Add Liquor To This Fruit Drink So You Don’t Feel & Look Washed Up

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I've been trying to eat healthier because I'm getting older and don't want to look washed up like that guy in Jodeci with the side ponytail. I grabbed this fruit smoothie from Walmart for three bucks and some change and it's actually a pretty damn good breakfast drink. It's loaded with vitamins, though I'm not really sure what each vitamin does, except for fiber, because I've had a number of long and curly boo-boos since I've started drinking these. More importantly, the fruit does a really good job of masking the odor of liquor so feel free to drink at work or school. I add a shot or three of Jim Beam to keep my mind as invigorated as my svelte body.

-Dewan Gibson

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New Wu-Block: ‘Wu-Block Bizness’ (& Ghostface Video)

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Ghostface is releasing new music like the IRS is on his ass. The first song below (rapped in his old voice) is from an upcoming album of Wu-Block tracks that didn't make the cut the first time around. The second is video from 36 Seasons, which came out last week and has only gotten 1.5 plays in my house on account of just-being-alright-ness.

-Dewan Gibson

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A Picture Of Bill Clinton Featuring A Nice Rack

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To whom does this rack belong? I have no idea, but a reverse image search in the archives of "Barely Legal" may reveal the answer. The key to the 2016 election is in Bill's pants. Social media was not around to catch his poonhound ways of days past, but times have changed. Lay off the Cialis until November 9, 2016, holmes.

-Dewan Gibson

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Teen Who Claimed To Make $72 Million In The Stock Market Was Lying His Ass Off

mohammed.islam

The burly kid on the right, Mohammed Islam, claimed to have made $72 million in the stock market. The media ran with the story, including Sophisticated Black Twitter, who tweeted the story with captions like, "While you were working on your mixtape..." (ol' bougie Neeegros). I thought it all sounded shady because the media reports never mentioned seed money. You don't make tens of millions of dollar in the stock market in a short time unless you have millions of dollars to invest with, which the media must have assumed he did because he's Arab-American. From The New York Observer:

Monday’s edition of New York magazine includes an irresistible story about a Stuyvesant High senior named Mohammed Islam who had made a fortune investing in the stock market. Reporter Jessica Pressler wrote regarding the precise number, “Though he is shy about the $72 million number, he confirmed his net worth is in the “’high eight figures.’” The New York Post followed up with a story of its own, with the fat figure playing a key role in the headline: “High school student scores $72M playing the stock market.”

And now it turns out, the real number is … zero.

In an exclusive interview with Mr. Islam and his friend Damir Tulemaganbetov, who also featured heavily in the New York story, the baby faced boys who dress in suits with tie clips came clean. Swept up in a tide of media adulation, they made the whole thing up.

Speaking at the offices of their newly hired crisis pr firm, 5WPR, and handled by a phalanx of four, including the lawyer Ed Mermelstein of RheemBell & Mermelstein, Mr. Islam told a story that will be familiar to just about any 12th grader—a fib turns into a lie turns into a rumor turns into a bunch of mainstream media stories and invitations to appear on CNBC.

-Dewan Gibson

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Scooter Rider Gets Blasted By Truck, Walks It Off Like A Boss

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Scooters, as I described in my hit short story, "Scooter Riders of America," which is the greatest nonfiction piece ever written by and about an angry, broke ass black man who riders a scooter, are a dangerous form of transportation. This Chinaguy--Chinaman is really offensive, bro--learned the hard way, but was somehow able to walk away unharmed. (Shanghaiist)

-Dewan Gibson

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New Reality Show: Convince A Hooker To Quit Her Job In Less Than 8 Minutes

kevin.brown.pastor

The show sounds like something that might be broadcast during the trollop hours of VH1, but it's actually based on the story of a pastor (pictured above) who messages e-hookers and then convinces them to leave for a job that pays a lot less money. Speaking of VH1, I wouldn't be surprised if they air a similar show called "6 Minutes," which features a pimp who loiters at Greyhound stations and convinces young women to pursue careers in whoredom.

A&E has greenlit a provocative new reality series in which a man tries to convince prostitutes to quit their jobs. EW has learned exclusively that the network has ordered eight episodes of 8 Minutes (working title), a series featuring cop-turned-pastor Kevin Brown surprising escorts in hotel rooms and offering to rescue them from a life of trading sex for cash. In each episode, Brown has eight minutes to make his case.

Executive producer Tom Forman (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, The Great Food Truck Race) says the show was inspired by a 2013 LA Times article about Brown, an Orange County vice cop turned pastor who teamed with his church to create an undercover prostitute intervention operation.

-Dewan Gibson

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