If Turkey Was Really That Good People Would Eat It Year Round

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The goodness of turkey, much like the story of the Pilgrims, is a lie. It's not flavorful or juicy. At all. It's parched like my mouth during a post-Thanksgiving hangover, made more dry by hours of silence thanks to an argument with my fiance over the "good" ginger ale that my friends and I used without permission to make mules. (Don't touch her Hansen's!) Anyhow, turkey ain't nothin' but the bland carcass of a big ol' dumb lookin' bird that, thanks to tradition and nothing more, has provided years of mediocre Thanksgiving meals.

This month, I spent hours on the internet looking for an alternative to the bird I no longer speak of. Hey, being underemployed has its benefits. At first I wanted to buy a big ass goose. With all that breast and donk it just looks good. But they were over $100 from a kind-of-local farmer who sold 'em online, well out of my price range. Plus I'd feel funny buying food from a farmer with an internet connection. Kind of makes me think he doesn't even wear overalls.

My next choice was pigeon, of which, according to my new found expertise, there are over 300 types. Some more edible than others. Even a dove is a pigeon, though they rank higher on the avialae social scale because of their melanin deficiency. But I couldn't shake its street scavenger image. I thought back to a long ago solo trip to Detroit. I was sitting downtown bored, mainly because the city was a lot like my hometown of Cleveland. A lonely pigeon was nice enough to keep me company so I offered him a bit of my sandwich. Within seconds, all of his hoodrat friends rushed over. Some with mangled feet and deformed beaks. Nah, man.

I ended going with duck. It was bit on the pricey side, about $30 at Whole Foods for an organic one the size of a newborn baby. I charged it so by the time I pay it off it might end up costing double. Plus I went over to Walmart and bought a bottle of POM juice. It cost like $10, which is what they pay an employee to leave their family and work Thanksgiving evening. The POM juice would be used to make a baste that was supposed to moisten and sweeten the duck.

And it worked. The duck meat was mad juicy. Its wings were long, with crispy pork rind-like tips. The duck's skin had a sweet, chewy lining of fat underneath that should be a delicacy. The meat was rich, complementing but not overpowering my side dishes: collard greens and beef bacon, red onions, mushrooms, yams, and of course the mules made with fancy ginger ale.

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Recipe: Go to the Whole Foods in your local gentrified (or gay) neighborhood and buy an organic whole duck. Bring it to room temperature. Season it with salt and whatever else you desire. Poke him all over, no Amaechi, so it can absorb the baste (sugar and POM juice on medium heat for about 30 minutes). Roast for about 20 minutes at 450 degrees. Remove from oven, reduce temperature to 350. Cook for another 75 minutes or so, basting whenever you need to grab another beer from the kitchen, which was about every 10 minutes for me. 

-Dewan Gibson

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New Wu-Tang: ‘A Better Tomorrow’ (Title Track, Harold Melvin Sample)

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RZA released this track this afternoon "In enlightenment of what is going on in our country and around the world." Well, it was actually on SoundCloud yesterday. Selected lyrics: "We in the jungle of life but never Jungle Fever." Come on, man. Just @ me if you have an issue.

Update: I was gifted with an illegal download of the entire new Wu-Tang album. Chill, I'm going to buy it anyway. My thoughts in short: It's a REAL Wu-Tang album. And it's sad. Not because the album isn't great, it is, but because it's likely their last album as a group. The Wu, Mom, Dad, and Dad's quick rabbit punch raised me. And in some weird way the likely end of Wu-Tang as a group means that my childhood is now over, at 35. 

-Dewan Gibson

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This Driver Is Not One To Wait On Ferguson Protesters To Move Out The Way

I've wanted to do this when fat people walk across the street diagonally, but not in the middle of a revolution. As you can see, the protesters were on the driver's ass within seconds, but he or she escaped without a beatdown or even an arrest. The woman who was run over must be one of those thick-legged Filipinas; she was treated on the scene for minor injuries. (TPM)

-Dewan Gibson

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Swaggy P Gives Tips On Meeting Women, Don’t Listen To Anything He Says

swaggy.p

Nick Young's a millionaire NBA player. All he has to do to get women is send "Tryin' to get the pipe?" messages on Twitter. My advice for meeting women: Pull up next to her car at a stoplight. Just stare your ass off until she returns eye contact. Once she does, throw a rock through her window. But make sure it has your phone number and mugshot taped to it. She'll never forget you.

-Dewan Gibson

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Mystikal’s First Song Since Wising Up And Leaving Cash Money

mystikal

Mystikal's the greatest rapper to wear a hair weave, but due to a few years away in the joint and a bias towards Southern rappers, he's never really gotten the respect he deserves as an MC who's been rapping at a high level for a long-long time. Here's his new one from Mark Ronson's upcoming album. It's not "The Man Right Chea," but pretty good nonetheless.

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-Dewan Gibson

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A Black Friday Boycott For Mike Brown Means Well But Accomplishes Nothing

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I'm not a big fan of memes, except for some strange reason the one I posted last week featuring Kim Kardashian.  But the picture above has attracted a lot of attention on Facebook and Twitter in the day since it was decided by a grand jury not made up of Mike Brown's peers that Officer Darren Wilson was just in shooting the unarmed teen. People want to direct their anger somewhere, rightly so, and a Black Friday boycott is, on the surface, a well-meaning way to do that.

And I'm all for sitting out Black Friday, even if a new pair of Jordans comes out and I end up losing money that I often get from reselling to hypebeasts. But as a social movement a Black Friday boycott accomplishes next to nothing, especially if you're just delaying your holiday shopping for another day or week. To really make a mark we black folks and (according to Nielsen) our trillion dollar buying power would need to financially sit out the entire holiday season and have other pro-justice people join us. That means no gift buying for that terribly commercialized derivative of a pagan holiday we call Christmas.

Then you'd have an affect on public companies' earnings and increased media attention. But you would also help decrease consumer spending, which is the backbone of our economy, and could lead to job losses. Maybe even your own. A better plan? Support politicians and policies that decrease the militarization of police, encourage your local police force to hire officers who reflect the community that they serve, and tread carefully because The Man is often looking for a reason to shoot.

-Dewan Gibson

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Woman Waving Gun & Claiming To Be ‘Ready For Ferguson’ Accidentally Kills Herself

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The woman and her boyfriend were riding dirty in Downtown St. Louis, waving a gun and yelling "ready for Ferguson!" The gun got too close to the boyfriend and he ducked, which caused him to hit another car. The gun went off and being "ready for Ferguson" was no longer a concern. From Talking Points Memo:

St. Louis police were investigating an incident in which a woman waving a gun inside a vehicle and saying she was "ready for Ferguson" apparently shot herself in the head by accident, CNN reported Sunday...

The sources told CNN that the victim was involved in a car accident. Campbell's 33-year-old boyfriend, who was not identified, was driving the car and told investigators that Campbell began waving a gun around and joking that the couple were ready for Ferguson, the sources said.

The boyfriend said he rear-ended another car while ducking to avoid the gun, which then discharged and struck Campbell in the head, the sources said. The victim later died at a hospital.

The boyfriend told police that the couple purchased the gun because they feared unrest that may arise from a grand jury decision in the fatal shooting of unarmed black teen Michael Brown by a white police officer, the sources said.

-Dewan Gibson

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