We started the 10-hour drive to Carolina Beach late Christmas morning, a couple of hours after the boys opened their latest brain-draining device. Unlike our other winter trips, this wasn’t an escape from the brutal, this-is-why-you-can-buy-a-house-for-200k-in-Ohio weather. It was 50 degrees. As for Carolina Beach? Over 70 and sunny.

We made a quick stop in Ravenswood, West Virginia for Christmas lunch at Great Wall Restaurant. Man, where would this country be without immigrants willing to feed us at any time, even on Jesus’ play birthday? We shared a house special fried house and Amber Joyner Kersee raced the kids in the parking lot.

I could have finished the entire drive in one day, had I been without impressionable children in the car and able to play Young Dolph (They don’t want you to live! They don’t want you to ball! Them pu**ies smile in yo’ face…then they pray for you to FALL!“). But cruising for six hours while listening to Coldplay and having a night’s rest in Winston-Salem, North Carolina wasn’t bad. We managed to find an Indian diner that was open till 11 p.m., right near our lil’ suite at the Hilton.

Finally…Carolina Beach! The kids played in the sand and deactivated their Negro genes so they could bear jumping around in 60 degree water. They also yelled “SHARK!” as a pod of dolphins swam near the shore. On another note, they’re getting ripped. That’s my 10-year-old, Nile, doing a handstand flip thingy. He skrong.

When not on the beach, we stayed in our beachfront hotel room. We’re not ballers. Amber works as a literacy coach and I’m comfortably and eternally in middle management at a healthcare company. But Marriott had a crazy deal on rooms. Suites with beach view balconies were going for around $150, which is about the price to buy oneself a gram of cocaine from the shady-looking beach bum posted outside of Hardee’s.

We also ventured out to the aquarium. It’s tiny. Save your money or try to sneak in. I mean, it was OK. And there’s a playground out back where kids can run around while parents play with smartphones. But if you’ve been to a major aquarium, Fort Fisher will feel underwhelming.

We drove straight home after four days in Carolina Beach. Full of memories, Zaxby’s fried chicken, and what turned out to be a family case of covid. Thanks to a combined 12 shots of Moderna and Pfizer’s finest brews, along with good health and no preexisting conditions besides ashyness, covid only gave us mild symptoms and an extra week off school. We look forward to returning to Carolina Beach with super immunity.

-Dewan Gibson